The Lie We’ve All Been Sold
Before now, I thought love was everything.
The way it makes your heart race and just sends sparkles down your spine just seeing their name pop up on your phone screen. The kind that makes you feel so fulfilled and excited. It gets you thinking that loving each other just settles everything and makes life very smooth and exciting. Well, that’s what we were told, and so I believed it too.
Growing up, we were told in diverse means. We watched lots of fairytales, romantic and any kind of movie you would want to think about, and in all, love was projected as one thing that solved all problems. Even when characters disagree and see life so differently, they make love seem like the solution to the pain. Two people are always ripping themselves into pieces and at the same time, loving each other. They seem to always disagree and go entirely separate ways, but we are made to know that it doesn’t really matter as long as they love each other so hard.
But in the real world, we see a different thing, right?
We believed all that until love happened to us. We all grew up and had that one person that we chose among every other and after some heartbreaks, some unimaginable experience with people we thought were perfect for us, we started to see and learn somethings for ourselves.
Life out here was entirely different from the movies. We figured out that love is actually not enough. Why Love Alone Cant Sustain a Relationship And What Actually Does is something many of us had to learn the hard way, often after heartbreak.
Yes, Love alone is not enough.
Love does not provide money for the bills piling up neither does it make someone listen better in a relationship. It doesn’t suddenly make things better, increase trust or even heal wounds of the past. You two can still lie on the same bed, love each other but still drift apart gradually because love does not solve your problems. It does not put an end to the issues in reality because feelings are not enough.
This is very painful to say or accept because we’ve been trained to believe otherwise. Infact, the pain becomes more when two people in love have issues that seem beyond their control. They begin to wonder why things are that way while still in love. They expect their love to count for something greater and so the failure of their expectation grieves them so much.
Well, love does count but this article will show you something that we were not told growing up. There is more to love to sustain a long-term relationship because love can start the story but is not all it takes to finish or sustain the entire plot.
Why Love Alone Can’t Hold It Together
They have always told us that love is all we need.
It is one cliche that makes us feel so excited and hopeful to experience the same one day, but this is not true. Why Love Alone Can’t Sustain a Relationship (And What Actually Does) is a conversation we all need to have.
Love is so beautiful and essential; it adds colour to life, makes you drawn to a person, and gives you the strength to try something beautiful with another human but if we all tell ourselves the truth, love alone can’t take us far. It will not withstand some challenges; it will not stop us from seeing the things we should see. It cannot hold a relationship firm because it has never been all it takes.
It is possible to love someone and still feel lonely having them in your life. You can be with them all day and still feel you were all by yourself. Theres no spice their presence adds to your life, but you still have this sir Hal feeling towards them and you sincerely want them.
You can also love someone and still never stop having terrible disagreements. You both can still fight like strangers and someone who doesn’t know you both will think you are enemies.
It is still very much possible to be with someone you love and still feel unseen. You can feel that the needs you have are not so recognized and considered. This is strange because we are not use to hearing this but this is one thing that nobody tells us. The interesting and exciting part of the circle is all we know but how long will we keep deceiving ourselves?
Love doesn’t suddenly make you trust your partner, neither does it tell you exactly how to communicate with them. It doesn’t heal you or do any other thing that we were told it does.
All a lie.
Real relationships are sponsored by way more than just feelings. Feeling cannot sustain it, effort does. Communicating clearly, being patient, honest and respectful are the things that can sustain a relationship for a long time.
For a relationship to be successfully long-term, the two partners have to go out in real efforts beyond feelings. Lego out of their way to understand each other even when it’s not easy at all. Your loyalty will be tried, and it’s only dedication and commitment that can stand the test of time.
Loving someone is never enough. If you’re in a relationship where you feel ignored, unappreciated, and undeserving. Some even practice silent treatment and diverse shades of abuses that may not be loud and outright. Love can never be enough, and it can never save you. Infact, instead, that love or feeling will make walking away more difficult, and that becomes what you fight.
How do you leave someone you love right?
But the truth is and remains that you can love someone and still walk away, not because they didn’t mean anything to us but because we rather leave that stay in environments that drain us.
People love and still feel miserable so why stay?
You love and still feel like you want more, is it really worth it?
You give everything, do all you can but still feel miserable, why stay?
Love is not the solution; it’s just a little percentage of the factors that make for a healthy relationship
The moment we believe that love sorts it all out, we stay in places that are not healthy for us. We fix our tents in relationship that break us to pieces and still keep our hopes alive that one day, that person will change. We forget that in doing this, we are losing ourselves, we are treating ourselves badly because we deserve way better than that.
Therefore, love is not and can never be all that you need for a long-term relationship. If you’re beginning to recognize this, don’t think you have failed. No, you’ve not. It’s even a plus that you got to see this before you were ruined completely.
Infact, you have the most win because you are reading this article because this promises to be very eye opening.
Four Harsh Truths About Love
Here are four of them that explain Why Love Alone Can’t Sustain a Relationship (And What Actually Does) in the long run. Creating unrealistic expectations is one big problem people create around love. They idolize love that they think it should be able to solve all the problems of this life. Sadly, love has a lot of expectations placed on it, people demand a lot that love obviously cannot meet up with.
They think love should be able to:
- Heal our pains and being solutions to our wounds
- Change the character of a human being.
- Cover up the things lacking in our personality
- Put an end to traumas of the past
But love does not have the responsibility to do all these. There are some truths that everyone needs to know outside the lies and fantasies that the movies teach us. Here are four of them:
1. Love Does Not Equal Compatibility
It is very possible to love a person and still not work things out. Compatibility does not just respond to love and feelings. You both have to be on the same page in a lot of things. For compatibility to be possible, you have to share same or similar value system, goals, lifestyle and all. It is better to check for all these early even while in love so you can know what next. If these don’t align between the both of you, it would be advisable to walk away on time, your feelings will follow suit after some time.
2. Love Does Not Solve Your Relationship Problems
Your quarrels and disagreements will not automatically stop because you have feelings for each other. Infact, love is the more reason you get to disagree because it naturally expects that bad characters are condoned and ignored but no, the human part will always react. You simply need to out in effort to communicate properly, compromise, respect and patiently resolve matters to fix things. The absence of all these will just mean continuous fightings and quarrels. Emotional maturity and problem-solving skills are the kind of things that prevents unnecessary tension in the relationship.
3. Love Is Not Always Worth Sacrificing Yourself For
People stay and manage relationships that are so unhealthy for them because they ‘love’ the person but this is not the right thing to do. If Love makes you sacrifice your happiness and your entire self, then it’s not worth it at all. A relationship is suppose to make you find yourself better, grow and be consistently up for the best. So, anything outside this is not one to sign up for. It’s not a relationship, you are in bondage and need to free yourself as soon as possible.
- Love Doesn’t Guarantee Emotional Safety
It is possible to love someone and still not feel emotionally safe. You can love a person who talks down on you, shuts you up at every opportunity, toys with your feelings and vulnerability. Love does not in any way assure you of emotional sanity or safety.
You need to feel seen, protected, heard and cherished for a long-term relationship to work out. Love can’t give you all these, it doesn’t guarantee the presence of all these. Real efforts do.
Compatibility Is the Real Glue That Holds a Relationship Together
Compatibility reveals Why Love Alone Can’t Sustain a Relationship (And What Actually Does) when life gets real and the honeymoon phase starts to fade.
Realistically, compatibility is not about loving the same kind of music, finding the same things funny and interesting or having similar food choices and all. That could pass for chemistry but not compatibility.
Chemistry may not last or stand the test of time but compatibility does. The factor and things that make up the true compatibility of two people are long lasting features but chemistry comes with the euphoria of the early stages of a relationship. It may never be recognized after some time.
True compatibility goes deeper.
True compatibility is about having same values, lifestyle and wiring. This way, commitment is even easier. Agreeing to be with someone is beyond laughing out loud with them or playing with them, it goes down to saying Yes to:
- The way they think
- Their emotional patterns and behaviors
- Their view of money
- The way they respond to stress
- Their style of communication.
- Their values on family, conflict resolution and relationships.
- Their past pains and experiences; whether or not they moved past them, the healing and scars.
It is very important to know that when choosing an individual, you are not just choosing their outwards person, you are saying yes to the way they respond to life. You are in agreement with the way they turn up when life throws the ugly part of it at them.
It is in compatibility that there is an assurance of whether or not the relationship will work out well.
This oneness and similarity is the exact thing that makes love interesting. It makes it easier and reduces fightings or unnecessary quarrels.
So, if you both are always quarreling and nothing seems to work even in love, love is not the problem, compatibility is.
What Compatibility Actually Looks Like (And Why It Matters More Than You Think)
Compatibility goes beyond having similar favorite TV shows, meals or anyother thing. All these are connections on the surface level. Real compatibility is more than chemistry. It talks about deeper things that shape a persons life.
It really means the factor behind the ease you two have to build a life together. You both can build a future and dream together as partners without continuous clashes. This is possible because there is alignment of goals, aspirations, Lifestyle and emotional needs. Frictions don’t easily happen because there is a level of greasy ease.
Two lovers can become enemies because of the absence of compatibility. It doesn’t matter how her laugh makes you feel, it doesn’t matter how excited you are when he touches you, it doesn’t matter the amount of butterflies you feel when you hear their voice, if compatibility is missing, all that will fade away in no time.
Let’s see what compatibility in everyday life really means:
1. Do Your Life Goals Align?
Being in love is one thing, and going towards the same place in life is another. Like they usually say, you cannot be heading towards the U.K and you hop into a flight going to Ghana. That will be a very terrible thing to happen to someone because it will cost a lot to recover.
Just imagine you dream of traveling around the world, doing random business to make money, and live a free life but your partner wants to have a quieter life. Just get married, get a 9-5 job, raise the kids and retire afterwards. How exactly will that work?. You both will constantly be at loggerheads. You will disagree in almost everything.
The both of you are right because the different kinds of life have nothing wrong with them. It’s just preferences on totally different directions
For a relationship to be long-term, visions have to be clearly shown because if you start conflicting later, one person will have to succumb for peace to reign and that will not be fair at all on the individual because a lot will be sacrificed. So, love is never enough in a case like this.
2. Are You On the Same Timeline?
It is okay to want the same things but when do you both want them?
That’s what tells more whether or not it would work. This is very important to find out on time.
Its possible for you both to want children and marriage but one person wants it the next five years and the other person can want it as soon as possible. It will most likely cause a fight. The other person waiting will feel stuck, cajoled and treated badly. One year waiting feels like five years
Timing matters. This is a very important aspect of Compatibility that people don’t pay much attention to. compatibility isn’t just about what you want—it’s about when you’re ready to build it.
3. Are Your Day-to-Day Lifestyles Compatible?
What does your everyday choices, preferences and life decisions Look like?
Let’s leave the goals and big dream. What about the little little everyday life behind close doors?. Do you wake up early or late? Are you quiet, an easy talker gaining strength from calmness, and the other person noisy?, are you career driven and the other simpler life?
These disparities may look very little or almost unnoticed now but trust me, on the long run, it will not be. You must not agree with everybody, so it’s okay for someone to be so different from you in this areas. So, instead of stressing someone to fit into yours or looking yourself to fit into his, why not go your separate ways.
4. Do You Work Well Together When Life Gets Hard?
Life is never always smooth. The going gets tough. What happens when it does?. Does the tough get going with your partner?
When family problems like health, money, food , career failure, etch.
Times like this cannot break he people that can do life together .A true partner doesn’t stay only when things are good, they are there at all times, in all seasons and in all phases. They sing just break out, start fights or blame you for everything. You always got each other’s back!, that’s compatibility right there !
5. Would You Trust Them to Help Shape Your Children?
Will you be at peace having that partner as the father or mother of your children?
Will you be proud of the role you are sure they will play and how exactly they will play it?If you don’t have plans of having kids now, it’s still very crucial that you think about this job time because that is a very delicate area.
How patient are they?
Are their values strong or they are just mouth talks?
Do they align with yours and can you believe that your vacuum will be filled without stress even in your absence?
How are their actions?, consistent?
The way someone handles pressure, responsibility, and conflict is a big clue about how they’ll parent—or how they’ll show up in high-stakes moments.
Having kids is far from the main point here. This is about how safe you would feel emotionally, the steadiness of his commitment towards raining good and healthy humans.
6. Do They Love You in a Way That Feels Right for You?
This is so important but painfully, a lot of people take it for granted. People love in different ways, some are outspoken with their feelings while others are not. It’s easier for an outspoken person to always give compliments and words of affirmation but for someone else, it may be through those little little actions like spending time with you, buying gifts and all.
If you feel loved when always told in words, you will not appreciate the person that will only gift and spend time with you. There is a tendency to feel like the person doesn’t love you.
Got that?
If you are not loved right, you will continually feel empty and even while in love. So, compatibility is birthed from the commitment and efforts you both put in to love each other the exact way you want to be loved. The sacrifices and intentionality pay off indeed.
So, do they love you in a way that feel right and vise versa?. If yes, then you both have built a good level of compatibility and that is beautiful. That way, you will observe that there will less fightings and resentment.
7. Do You See Commitment the Same Way?
You both must see commitment in the same light. It is healthier to have same understanding of commitment because it affects how you respond to the relationship. This way, no one will feel cheated.
Some persons see commitment as openness, accountability, intentionality and all others towards building a perfect journey while some others see it as simply the absence of cheating. They think that a person that doesn’t cheat is a committed person.
So, you see that with these two entirely different opinions, compatibility is far fetched. A person can stay with one partner, not chat but is not really committed. He can lack commitment in other areas and still feel okay.
Compatibility truly means you both define compatibility the exact way.
Signs That Love May Not Be Enough
These are some hard-to-ignore signs that point to Why Love Alone Can’t Sustain a Relationship (And What Actually Does) in real-life partnerships. Love is truly not enough, and being in love is not a guarantee for a successful relationship. If you are in love and you still see these signs, there is a high possibility that your journey together will end soon.
1. Frequent Arguments or Cold Silence
Constant fights, quarrels and disagreements is a sign of incompatibility. Two compatible people will agree more than they disagree. There may be a few fights here and there but it will not end in cold silence because there is healthy communication and conflict resolution skills.
2. Misaligned Priorities
Having different priorities will break you faster. If you both always want different things, that’s a sign that you may not stand strong over time. Imagine that one person wants to throw countless parties with money while the other wants that they save and buy a house. It will most likely never work because the reality of life over feelings will soon set in.
3. Broken Trust
Once trust is broken, love doesn’t fix it. Feelings don’t cut it at all. So, if trust has been broken and that party is not ready to be responsible, rebuild and gain it again in full force, then, it may not work out. In fact, in some cases, the eff let’s to build it up again fail because there is no hope to trust anymore.
4. Feeling Unfulfilled
If you are in love or in a relationship and you still feel unfulfilled, you will most likely be out of it soon because for it to work out, you have to be very fulfilled and satisfied with this person you’ve chosen. If not, at any slightest life hurdle, you will want to bounce out and finally, bounce out for real. J
5. You Don’t Feel Emotionally Safe
If you don’t feel at home with this person, then, that’s it, it most likely will not last. You will not be able to take it for so long because the heart wants home, everyone wants to be happy indeed. You can’t be walking on eggshells forever, you will desire an end one day and most likely walk away.
So, If Love Isn’t Enough, Then What Is?
Understanding Why Love Alone Can’t Sustain a Relationship (And What Actually Does) helps us build with wisdom instead of fantasy.
It’s clear that love doesn’t have the solution to everything. It is never and will never be. It may bring or attract two people to themselves but is not enough to keep them stayed to each other. They would need more than love to say strong. A long lasting relationship can only be fueled by more than just emotions. There is high need of intentionality, alignment and readiness. This has been proven and seen in different real life scenarios and probably must have happened to you reading this.
Now that we know there is need for more, what then do we need for a long lasting relationship?
Let’s look at them together as we break them into different segments:
1. Real Compatibility
How fit are you for each other?
Do you have similar values and approach to life?
You say you are compatible with someone when you see life the same way, you don’t colour or fight over certain things because you agree and are mostly on the same page. When you live each other but void of compatibility, you can get frustrated because of the constant disagreements and quarrels. At that point, love will not really matter because the pain is strong enough to suppress every feeling of love.
With compatibility you experience ease and progress in your relationship.
2. Shared Core Values and Beliefs
Having different personalities can be workable. One person can be calm and the other not as calm. That can work perfectly but the moment two persons have anti values, cultures, principles and beliefs, things will not remain the same. This is because they have different strong views on strong matters of life like family, money, parenting, parental and gender roles, etc.
When believe system start clashing like this, love cannot even stand it. The feeling will be flushed away in frustration
You can have different personalities and still thrive together. But if your core values don’t align? That’s where things fall apart.
How do they define loyalty? What do they believe about family, honesty, money, gender roles, parenting? Are they growth-minded, or do they resist change?
Love can’t override clashing belief systems. But when your values line up, decision-making, conflict resolution, and long-term planning become smoother and more unified.
3. Genuine Friendship and Enjoying Each Other’s Company
This is a very treasured part of a relationship. Genuine friendship sorts out a lot of things, it reduces friction and makes partners feel very emotionally safe. Spending lots of time together should be part of a relationship and you should be able to know if you really enjoy their company.
Can they laugh and talk with you for hours?
Do you enjoy their company and do they enjoy yours?
Do you pretend to be who you are not around them or are you real?
Friendship is something you cannot ignore for a relationship to last. So as you love, ensure you both are genuine friends because time will still tell and if you are not, you will most likely not survive long term. Everyone will get bored after a while and go seperate ways.
4. Trust and Integrity
Trust is very essential in every relationship because no relationship can survive without trust and it’s not all about cheating. It is mostly about feeling very safe, secure and being assured of your place in your partner’s life.
Do you trust their words?
Do they use your weakness against you or do they protect you even in your vulnerability?
Trust in a relationship makes it last longer and establishes more compatibility. It may take time to build but can get broken in a twinkle of an eye and of course, when trust is broken or consistently questioned, even love alone cannot fix it.
So, beyond love, trust is very essential and necessary for a long lasting relationship.
5. Emotional Intelligence
Knowing how to handle situations in a relationship is not talked about enough. When a couple is emotionally intelligent, their relationship lasts more and better.
Why?
They know just how to respond to situations, they know the best way to act at every point; when to be calm, when and how to talk, when to ask questions. They think before they talk or act. This maturity makes that they understand when they are wrong and accept their mistakes. They apologize when they should without making a fuss out of it but someone who is not emotionally intelligent can just spark up at any time, respond harshly and disrespectfully and still get pissed when corrected.
That can be very exhausting even when you love them and over time, it can get so tiring that one has to give up completely and break out of the relationship.
Emotional maturity is the difference between constant drama and lasting peace.
6. Safe, Honest Communication
A healthy relationship will make you safe, you will be able to speak up and express exactly how you feel. You will not be silenced, insulted, mocked or punished for being honest and expressive
Love is not enough if this is lacking in a relationship because communication is the strongest life wire of every relationship or marriage.
Do you feel at home?
Do you feel loved and heard or you just feel tolerated and endured?
Can issues be discussed without becoming a massive quarrel?
Is your partner more interested in winning the argument or do they really want to understand you and solve the challenge?
When you can have safe communication, you build more closeness and intimacy as you rub kinds together and sharpen the understanding you have of yourself. Therefore, safe and honest communication is a must-have for a healthy and long-lasting relationship.
7. Respect, Kindness, and Daily Appreciation
A relationship void of respect cannot even live to see the day. The concept of love may be big but the fact is that hold it up together are tiny looking. The little little things like respect are very important. If they disrespect you, the love is not worth keeping.
They should be kind to you to sustain love and vice versa. Do they appreciate you for he little things?
Do they value your efforts and even reciprocate?
How do they talk to you in private and in public?
Are you a person they hold in high esteem or are you some object of emotion?
Kindness strengthens love and makes you two stand strong even in the face of challenges and hard times.
8. Can You Trust Them—Really?
I know this looks like a repeated point but no, it’s not. Beyond telling lies and living doubles lives, are they people you can rely on?
Can you beat your chest that they will show up and they actually do show up?
Are they people that own up when they should and take responsibility or do they always put themselves out as victims?
How true are their promises?, do they do what they promise or are their words just empty?
Trust is detailed and it encompasses security. If you are never assure about vouching for them in anything, the relationship is weak no matter how much you love them or they love you.
You shouldn’t be second guessing, you shouldn’t be tip toeing around, you should be sure with shoulders high, that’s how a relationship that will last long should be. Love is never enough!
9. Shared Purpose and a Team Mentality
Are you a team or are you rivals?
A relationship that is healthy is nothing short of partnership. You feel carried along in your partner’s life and vise versa. You plans and execute projects together, nobody is fighting to outshine the other. Instead, you’re striving for ways to grow together and become the best versions of yourself.
You are the biggest fan of your partner and you are always on the go to find ways they can be better. Coupled in a healthy relationship don’t just love each other, they cheer each other up, they share weights and make life easier for each other.
If there is love and there is no shared purpose or team mentality, then, that’s just emotions and it can be wiped away at any time. It is not assured but with oneness, any situation can be tackled in one voice and mind.
10. Willingness to Grow (Together and Individually)
Growth is compulsory because you rather be single that be with someone that doesn’t fast track your growth. Life in itself keeps changing and evolving . So, if you don’t grow, you’d be unapologetically left behind.
I ask.
Is your partner one you can grow with?
Are they willing to grow with you?
Are they teachable?
If they feel angry and irritated when corrected, that’s is a strong sign that there is a big problem. It is not healthy to remain the same person in months, years and even decades. That is something to be so worried about and so, if they are comfortable with old patterns, then there will hardly be progress in that relationship.
Love without growth will only be a disaster because you even need to evolve to know best ways to love your partner.
11. Healthy Conflict Resolution Skills
Some conflicts are healthy and normal. You are two separate individuals so it’s okay to disagree once in a while. Coming from different backgrounds and entirely different life experiences and environment, you will have some frictions in a few matters.
Those disagreements actually do help you bond more. Like they say, you disagree to agree even more.
But here’s the thing.
Fighting or disagreeing is not the issue, the way you do is.
Do you still respect yourself even in disagreements?
Do you begin silent treatments and long time malice after an argument?
Do you strive to win or understand?
Are you always in the defense and never ready to understand and own up.
If the way you fight or disagree is unhealthy, then that’s a problem but if you are matured in handling the few fights that can come up, then, your bond is assured.
FAQs to Help You Make Better Relationship Decisions
Q1: Can a relationship survive without love but with compatibility?
Yes, possible but there will still be that emptiness and desire because love also brings a colour and spice. It adds warmth but when compatibility is out, love is almost not recognized.
Q2: How do I know if we’re emotionally compatible?
Watch and ask questions. How are your conversations like?, how do they treat you? How do you feel?, how do you resolve conflict?
Q3: Should I stay if I love them but feel miserable?
Sincerely ask yourself if you will want the kind of life you have with them five years from now?. If you don’t want that for yourself in the long run, then it’s not worth staying.
Q4: How can I tell if it’s love or trauma bonding?
It’s easier to tell if you don’t find peace there. If you feel obligated and addicted, then it’s not love because there’s freedom in love and you don’t loose yourself in the process. read more
Q5: What’s the number one relationship killer?
Resentment is. This happens when one Person does not feel appreciated, listened to, or seen. There’s this hatred that builds up from the inside and the relationship starts crumbling.
Conclusion: Don’t Just Chase Love—Build Something Real
End the fantasies and start focusing on Why Love Alone Can’t Sustain a Relationship (And What Actually Does) because that awareness is what will protect your heart and future.
Most of the relationships that have crumbled today didn’t end for lack of love but lack of the things that matter. That is why they can leave even when they still love. They walk away in tears, wishing they had reasons to stay. Love is powerful but not strong enough to sustain a relationship. It cannot stand alone in the face of reality; it will always need firmness from all that we have discussed above.
Be sure of the feasibility of a relationship before you commit.
Ensure the person is ready to grow with you. Check if your visions and life path align.
Don’t just rush into it. Check how they behave, the way they talk to people, and how they respond to situations of life.
Be certain you feel very safe with them because in the long run, love cannot sort you both out. All these you need to check will keep you because compatibility strengthens love.
End the fantasies and unrealistic dreams, and uphold the things we need to have a long-lasting relationship.
So, have you ever stayed in a relationship because you loved them even when things didn’t seem to work out?
Did you walk away?
What gave you the strength to do that?
I’d love to hear from you in the comments.
Recommended for you: Should Cheating End a Relationship or Marriage?The Hard Truth About Infidelity
